Chris Williams, COO, Interaction Associates, a leading provider of training & consulting services to build collaborative leadership culture.
For most people, the workday is a rush of activities in pursuit of professional objectives. We type away on our computers, reply to countless emails, collaborate with our coworkers and attend meetings—a lot of meetings. The average employee in the United States spends 30% of their workweek in meetings, costing the average company $25,000 annually in payroll for each employee in the room or on the Zoom call. However, it’s not just the sheer volume of meetings that’s the problem.
Many of these meetings—and many other conversations—fail to produce desirable results, an outcome closely aligned with the stunning reality that 83% of employees say they are not heard “fairly and equally.” This problem of not being heard is incredibly common. Axios’ 2023 State of Essential Workplace Communications report found that 66% of leaders think they are aligned with their employees, but just 44% of employees actually feel the same way.
This tells us that our workplace communication structures have broken down and are in need of serious repair. Listening as an ally is a communication practice that helps us take a few steps back in these difficult situations and re-engage the other person with a clearer head and a more open heart.
Shifting Our Mindset
When I’m in a conversation, my tendency is to think about what I’m going to say next or come across as a judge or skeptic in order to promote my own ideas. But that would be the wrong approach.
Consider how many times this week you’ve been in a conversation where someone has said something that triggered you emotionally, intellectually or physically. The default human reaction is to first respond rather than be curious. A method known as “listening as an ally” is a powerful technique because it pushes people to shift their mindsets by developing genuine curiosity about the perspectives and ideas of others. The goal is to move from a competitive mindset to a more supportive and empathetic approach to communication.
Recognizing The Signs Of A Conversation About To Go Bad
When someone says something that causes us to make an assumption, pass immediate judgment and ultimately end our sense of curiosity, it can prompt a whirlwind of emotions and reactions. For example, say you’ve just come into a conversation with one of your employees and you ask about a small project that was due last week. The employee responds: “I haven’t started it yet.” What goes through your mind?
In these moments, we may feel the need to immediately engage in a debate with the person on the importance of the project, assuming that they are misinformed and lacking the full picture or pass judgment on their work ethic. Instead of approaching the situation with understanding and respect, we become combative and our interactions devolve into heated exchanges rather than productive conversations.
Ask yourself: Am I being altered by what is said? Or, am I simply waiting for them to stop talking so I can respond? To gauge whether our behavior is appropriate, we might consider how we would feel watching a recording of the conversation a month later. If we are not proud of our actions, this could be a sign that we need to adjust our approach.
Often these conflicts arise from differing assumptions, lack of data or misinterpretations, which can lead to people having different points of view and using different sources of information. In such cases, it is important to prioritize curiosity over confrontation. Effective leadership requires one to be masterful at active listening, asking questions, being curious and ultimately modeling the right communication behaviors for their teams.
How To Listen As Allies
The key to successful communication is fostering curiosity. By asking questions such as “Can you tell me more about your understanding of this assignment?” or “What are you feeling?”, we demonstrate a desire to learn and understand the other person’s perspective first. We move from skeptic, judge or adversary to one of ally—to understand, support and assist.
As listeners, we must recognize that we have control over our responses and emotions. While we may experience tension during a conversation, it is crucial to remember that we are responsible for how we react to the situation. Embracing curiosity and maintaining control over our responses can lead to more productive and meaningful interactions with others. We can learn to ask better questions, build deeper relationships and form stronger working agreements.
And when we listen as allies, the results can be amazing. By making an effort to see things from the other person’s point of view, we can develop empathy and appreciate the unique experiences and concerns they may have. We can also help that person be successful.
In our example scenario, we may discover that our employee was unclear on the assignment, needed support from a colleague who was unexpectedly sick or needs additional coaching when it comes to personal time management.
The leader’s responsibility is to foster an inclusive, inspiring and focused workplace. In an environment where companies work diligently to attract, retain and optimize a diverse, highly-skilled workforce, the practice of listening as an ally can be the difference between cultivating a workplace that moves forward together or one that dissolves as disgruntled employees inevitably walk out the door.
In conclusion, in today’s fast-paced work environment, effective communication is crucial for achieving company goals, engagement and maintaining a healthy culture. With the average U.S. employee spending a significant portion of their workweek in meetings, it’s essential to address the communication breakdowns that often lead to unproductive discussions and feelings of not being heard. By embracing the mindset and practice of listening as an ally, individuals at all levels can shift their mindset from a combative and competitive approach to one of empathy and support.
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