Everyone gets nervous. Especially in a job interview. When the stakes are high, emotions can run high as well. While it’s normal to get nervous, there’s a way to deal with your nerves – using emotional intelligence – so that you can communicate your value with clarity and confidence. Here’s how:
Understand What Emotional Intelligence Is – That’s the First Step in the Job Interview
“Emotional intelligence is the ability to use, understand and manage one’s own emotions in a positive way, and to manage stress, communicate effectively, de-escalate issues, problem solve and empathize with other people,” Joanne Frederick tells Forbes. She’s a licensed professional mental health counselor based in Washington, D.C.
Interestingly enough, attempting to control your emotions is a fool’s errand – and not very intelligent at all. Consider a difficult situation, such as the loss of a loved one. Or going through a divorce. Are you really able to control your emotions, especially when you are saying goodbye to someone you truly care about? Take this quick test: Stop crying, right now! (How did you do? Did your grief instantly cease?) Here’s why you can’t turn off your feelings, like a light switch: no one can. Welcome to the human race. Even the stoic at the funeral is overwhelmed in private. That’s how feelings work. Is that a sign of weakness? Frailty? Or…humanity? You don’t have to ask ChatGPT to find that answer. Emotions are part of who we are, like having thumbs or eyebrows. Emotions are part of the package of human experience, and managing our emotions is really a question of focus. Where are you putting your attention?Burning energy and mental cycles to control our thoughts is about as useful as trying to handcuff the wind, or stop the waves from hitting the shore. Why are you concentrating on your eyebrows right now? That’s not very useful.
Stepping Into Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence means having an understanding about the way emotions work. In a job interview, it’s only natural to be nervous. If you’re not nervous, you don’t really care! So why deny that you want the job? Why try to stop what’s naturally occurring? Like a sailboat on a windy lake, don’t handcuff the wind. Harness it.
When we understand that a high-stakes conversation is going to cause our emotions to bounce, we can use that understanding to show up differently. What happens if it’s OK to be nervous? In fact, what if you kinda expect it? Now what? Beyond your emotions is something called “service”. That’s the service that you can provide to your potential employer. Service is another word for the solution that you can offer, the value you can create, the impact you know you can deliver.
Turn Negative Emotions into a Positive Result
Emotional intelligence means having the ability to use your emotions in a positive way – by focusing on what matters and ignoring what doesn’t. Here are three key ideas that can help you to take action, in spite of your feelings – because we all have the ability to act outside of our emotions.
- Yes, And… This classic phrase, from the world of improvisational comedy, can actually help anyone to access effective communication. Feeling nervous? Yes, and…now it’s time to share your story. What if emotional intelligence isn’t about self-awareness (the cousin of self-consciousness), but situational awareness? Consider the situation, and the service you can provide – and you just might see beyond your emotions. Sure, you’re nervous, but what about your degree from IU, or Kansas State? Yes, and…What about the team that you led at that marketing company in 2018? Yes, and…How about your familiarity with control system technology? Emotional intelligence allows us to focus on what matters most. What’s most important, in this interview? If you said, “My nerves, my fears, and my unrelenting desire to be absolutely perfect in all that I say and do,” you’re missing an opportunity. The interview isn’t about self-expression, it’s about service. What’s the service you can provide – even when you are nervous? Can you say “Yes, and…” then share that story?
- Get Curious: Emotional intelligence helps us to see beyond our thoughts and feelings, to identify what really matters. Are you curious, in the interview? After all, unless it’s a one-way interview, you can ask questions. You can turn the interview into a dialogue. But only if you see that the interview can be a conversation, not an interrogation. What’s the one thing you’d love to know about your next employer? What’s that thing that’s not on the website? And, instead of being judge, jury and executioner of your own performance in the job interview conversation, why not take your attention off of yourself? Get curious – and create a conversation. Curiosity may have killed the cat. But satisfaction brought her back. Curiosity is a way to turn nervousness into discovery. What will you learn or discover, in your job interview conversation?
- Be Prepared: Do you know what questions you will be asked, in the job interview? Have you done research into the source of authentic confidence? If something – anything – looks difficult, there’s one simple reason why: Lack of practice. If, in an emergency, you had to land an airplane, that might be a scary proposition – because you’ve never practiced it. But pilots do that all the time! So, is landing a plane scary, or easy? Depends on your level of practice! And, if you have a co—pilot that’s flown planes and landed planes, this hypothetical emergency landing just got easier. Because you don’t have to go it alone. Who’s your co-pilot? Who’s your coach? And how are you taking practice, so that your emotions don’t control you when you’re coming in for a landing?
On social media, the place where emotional intelligence goes to die, we see EQ (an acronym for emotional intelligence) in short supply. Johann Hari, the author of Stolen Focus, says that the algorithm doesn’t want you to get smart, it wants you to get hooked. Doom scrolling is something we’ve all done, and here’s why: human beings have a negativity bias. Consider that ten-week-old babies will stare longer at a picture of someone in distress versus of a picture of someone who is smiling. Online, the matrix presents us with hot takes, snark, misplaced aggression and unbridled self-expression. Isn’t it entertaining? Sometimes it feels like we can’t look away – because the algorithm knows us better than we know ourselves.
In the job interview, you can’t afford to leave emotional intelligence behind.
We are not animals driven by instinct alone. We can respond to any situation with emotional intelligence – meaning, we don’t have to let our emotions rule the day. Even when that day features a really important job interview.
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